I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
