I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
