Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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