the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
