i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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