she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
