Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
