Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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