i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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