I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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