Do you still have your period?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
