I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
