apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
