i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
