The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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