u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
