I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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