Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
