dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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