is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
