I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
