I can't breathe out the right side of my face
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize