who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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