and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Never joke about your clitoris.
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