i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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