last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
