i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
