New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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