I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
being pregnant is like rehab
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize