I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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