I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
