i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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