I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
