dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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