There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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