He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
