Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
