We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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