o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
