you didnt know i had herpes?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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