i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
