my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
