respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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