His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
even my farts smell like vagina
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
