the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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