having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
