I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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