You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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