I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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