Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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