the condom got lost in my hair
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
