i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
