I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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