Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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